All I want to do is operate a deep fryer at McDonald's

brain burnt

I use too much of

my brain power for

work this morning I

dreamed of

french fries

I'm applying for

a job

at McDonald's

*    *    *

I woke to the sound of the crystals ringtone on my iPad.  It's 5 AM on a Sunday morning.  I like that particular ringtone, crystals.  When I hear it, it doesn't make me think of crystals at all, but it is pleasant.

Just before the crystals, I was dreaming of standing in front of the giant deep fryer.  You know, the one you see at the service counter at any McDonald's restaurant.  In that moment, I am watching the fries slowly cooking and turning golden brown in the grease of the deep fryer.  I can smell the french fries and salt.

I want to spend my days cooking french fries in a deep fryer at McDonald's.

It's 5:35 AM on a Sunday morning and I'm still laying in bed.  It's now 5:40 AM on a Sunday morning as I start into writing my daily Slice.

I'm going to apply for a job at McDonald's.

All I want to do is spend my days cooking french fries.  Do you think they'll let me do this?  Each time I've gone into a McDonald's, I've gotten the impression that you are expected to rotate through various stations throughout the restaurant, but what if all I want to do is operate the deep fryer?

I have three masters degrees and a doctorate.  I've been a college professor now for twenty years.  

I don't think they're going to want me.

Instead, I think I'll lie and tell them that I live in the basement of the Legion Hall down the street and I grow potatoes on the roof of the building.  Perhaps they'll buy a story about my love affair with potatoes and my desire to spend my days frying them up?  

I will need references.

I will have to convince some of my colleagues to lie for me.

I am playing through telephone conversations with them in my head.

*    *    *

Hi, Leslie!  Yes, yes, yes.  It's great to hear your voice, too.  Yeah, listen, I've decided to quit my job as a tenured professor.  Yes, that's right  Yeah, I want to spend my days operating a deep fryer.  Yes.  A deep fryer.  No, not for experimental purposes.  No, I'm not losing my mind.  What?  Why am I calling you?  Well, you see, I will need a reference and I wanted to know if you'd serve as one.  I know you liked our last committee assignment and we've worked together for years, and..."

Click, I hear her hang up on me.

Next call.  This is Jeremy.  We've known each other for ten years now.

"Hi, Jeremy, yeah, this is Orval.  How're you doing?  Oh, really?  I'm sorry to hear that.  Well, the reason I'm calling you is because I've just had an epiphany.  Yes, an epiphany.  No, no, that's funny.. Haha.  Not like the epiphany the telephone representative has on the AT&T commercial.  No, no, this is quite different.  Yeah, listen.  I really need a job reference.  You see, I want to apply for a job at the McDonald's down the street from me.  Yeah, the one, yes, the one near me.  That's right, you're only a few block away from it too.  What was that?  Are they hiring, and if so, you want to get a job there too?  Jeremy, this is not how I was hoping this conversation would go.  What?  I'm selfish?  I'm the one who should be giving you a reference?"

That didn't go well.

*    *    *

It's 7 AM and I've decided to go down to the McDonalds to apply for a job.  There's a long line.  Everyone is social distancing.  What am I doing here?

I get to the head of the line.

I ask, "Hi, my name is Orval and I'd like a job application.  May I have a job application?"

The McDonald's representative replies, "Sir, you can apply for a job at the kiosk."  She looks past me and screams, "CAN I HELP THE NEXT CUSTOMER, PLEASE! THANK YOU!"

I point to one of the touch-screen kiosks off a few feet to my left.  

She looks at me and says, "Sir, you need to move aside."  Then she screams again, "WELCOME TO MCDONALD'S CAN I TAKE THE NEXT ORDER, PLEASE!?"

I'm standing in front of the kiosk.

*    *    *

I'm standing, staring at the vegetable oil in a pot I've placed on my kitchen range stovetop.  Next to the pot is a plate of sliced potatoes.  I've decided to practice the art of deep frying potatoes.

In they go.

I am enjoying listening to the potatoes crackling away in the vegetable oil.

So satisfying.

I'm at McDonald's.

I'm lovin' it.